So, who am I…

Often, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we start to identify ourselves as someone’s partner, their spouse, or perhaps a parent.

We too frequently, adopt a persona to define ourselves in a world where we feel the pressure to be recognised and respected as “something”.

When that relationship breaks down, so does that constructed façade begin to crumble. That can be incredibly frightening, and many are left having to work out who they really are.

We of course are much more than a parent, partner or one half of a couple.

We are each unique with many qualities, abilities, desires, wishes and needs. They may have been subsumed by the roles felt necessary to adopt within a relationship and that can lead to many of those needs being unmet and many of those qualities going unrecognised.

The short answer is no……

When coaching clients through a separation, emotions are overwhelming and dictate their feelings about the breakdown of the relationship.

It's therefore imperative to understand how emotions impact on their feelings and actions and how to address that. Robert Plutchik, an American psychologist is credited with first theorising that there are eight primary emotions; anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy. He explained that these emotions, however negative some may appear, have a beneficial purpose in our lives. An example is that of fear giving rise to the fight or flight mode in us as a way to protect us from harm.

Dr.Gloria Wilcox in 1982 created the feelings wheel which has evolved and since been adapted by many as a coaching tool. I was introduced to it by Jo Wheatley and Zoe Hawkins of In good company. They speak about this in their book, Deciding to Coach and their podcasts and I have learnt so much from these resources.

Our divorce was not a long drawn out, litigious affair but it had an impact all the same, of course it did. I went through the emotions; anger first, shame followed at having failed at something so many others, so I thought at the time, had made a success of; and then guilt that I was putting my family through this and that I had not fulfilled the perceived societal norm of a long happy marriage.

At that stage, there was no collaborative model and mediation was a word at best whispered, rather than shouted. There was little individual therapeutic-based support (as opposed to pure therapy) which would have helped. We were both lawyers and did not want to involve others due to our shared embarrassment of needing to approach other local lawyers about our intimate personal details. We got there but not without scars.

Separation and divorce coaching is support with the specific aim of assisting someone considering or going through a separation. Stress impacts thought processes and inhibits cognitive function. Since separating from a partner is the second most stressful experience in one’s life, coaching can enable the client to see things more clearly. It can provide a space and a non- judgemental listening ear for them alone, when there is much noise going on around them. Just being offered the time to speak and be listened to actively, and not be interrupted or have another impart their own personal view on your situation, can in itself be hugely powerful.

Coaching can support a client throughout the process of a separation but there are perhaps three specific touch points when access to a coach can provide an invaluable benefit to the client.